With themes this year of accelerating action and marching forward, we tend to have the same conversation each year when International Women’s Day rolls around. We discuss the statistics that still are slow in shifting, and we debate how we can unite everyone around the common goal for a more equal world.
My work has been heavily involved in this space with programmes and coaching for leaders in under-represented groups and more recently - the other side of that coin - providing male allyship and inclusive leadership programmes to ensure we’re not just supporting under-represented groups to step into leadership but providing an environment of inclusion when they get there.
It’s been fascinating being involved in both sides of this coin and to see the difference. It’s also been a process of unlearning and relearning for me too. One of the things I’m reflecting on today and wanted to share in honour of IWD, is language and perceptions based on communication. Just one example of the many differences faced at work and how different approaches can work when we leverage these perceptions.
We know there’s a difference in how we’re judged based on gender – think aggressive versus assertive and the double bind that’s at play. All of this makes the workplace a minefield to walk through sometimes and of course even harder when you’re not a white woman or not able bodies or non-binary. In a workplace (and society) that is still unequal, it’s sometimes hard to know what to do for the best as a woman.
Traditionally women were always encouraged to be more masculine in their approach, to be assertive, confident and more dominant as a leader – after all, that’s what we expect of leaders when based on traditional role models who have generally had a more masculine style. And yet we’ve learned over the years that’s not always what our outdated cultural norms (and much of our unconscious bias) expects of women. We have this double bind where we judge women on standards of femininity and leaders on masculine versions of dominance – it’s impossible to win.
Then we add to that the careful balance of humility and confidence. We’re expected to be humble and nurturing but also confident and assertive. Many women from more dominant cultures or in powerful positions have had to learn the art of communicating with humility to soften the edges of society's preconceived norms. Whilst at the same time, those from less dominant cultures are often being told to speak up and act more confidently. How do we win?
I used to think it was good for women to speak with more authority, to cover up the inner imposter syndrome and to take up space, to show we’ve got this and assert our place at the top. Having said that, I notice I’ll often pad out my words, add niceties on my sentences and insert what we might call softer or more moderating words depending on who I’m speaking too. This doesn’t come from a lack of confidence; I’ve realised I do it to meet people where they’re at. To not appear as a threat and to remain humble. I’ve found it helps build relationships and trust much quicker than more direct assertive speech. For me this is about speaking with humility not self-doubt, and you can hear the difference between the two in tone.
It's a fine line for women though, as if we’re not confident or in a more junior role, using this kind of language can do us a disservice and mean we’re not taken seriously or will be more likely to get spoken over or dismissed, so choose wisely.
I’ve learned it can be a way of showing vulnerability which we know is a sought after skill for so many, regardless of gender. The difference for me is knowing when to be vulnerable. Obviously it has to be safe, which is always an issue for women and under-represented groups, and it has to be effective so reading the room and knowing your audience.
I’ve also seen men do this really well and would argue, given the power imbalance and the fact so many male leaders struggle to embrace these soft skills, it’s the best thing you can do for your brand. Obviously this is easier for men who we know from the research already, get taken more seriously before they’ve even said a word based on how they look and our centuries old bias about what leadership looks like in a gender.
The fact that this landscape is such a difficult and complicated one to navigate for women is due to decades of social conditioning and bias we face (even from other women), I think this is another tool to add to our toolkit. Yes we shouldn’t need it and yes we shouldn’t have to talk about gender but the world as it is takes these complex steps to navigate and thrive in so here we are.
Sadly, clever, confident, capable women as still seen as a threat (of all genders) and even at an unconscious level the double bind can kick in that causes this cognitive dissonance that whilst leaders should be assertive, we prefer it if our women are less dominant and more nurturing – my argument is we could all do with being more considerate and nurturing regardless of gender, but that’s another topic!
A few examples of humble speech (that remember can still be confident and full of conviction!) -
“I’m wondering if we’ve thought of doing X.”
“Do you mind if we just take a moment to talk about Y.”
“Can you tell me more about why you think of it that way, I’m interested to understand your viewpoint.”
Life is a constant learning curve and often about us unlearning and relearning and sometimes it’s different advice for different people – take what works for you and let this percolate as some food for thought this International Women’s Day.